Lately, I’ve been speaking to a number of friends who are in their 60s, most of whom are single, or divorced, and many of whom are feeling lonely. It reminded me of a time when I lived in California and there was a group of us, married and divorced., who talked seriously about buying property in the Caribbean so that when we reached 60s, 70s, and 80s we could live in community. We imagined a shared life because we held similar political, cultural, and social values and we could be independent, not alone, even though most of us had children.

This feels important now, this idea of imagining a new way of being. Loneliness is widespread, not just among women. Many of us, myself included, are creative productive people. We stay busy with our writing and other creative practices  we’ve always pursued and will continue to pursue. But as we get older, we feel  more vulnerable.  

There was a moment when I almost slipped in the bathtub, and I wondered: if I fell and couldn’t reach my phone, how long would I be there? Most people have accidents in their homes. How long before someone would find me? My son calls me once a week. My daughter calls me. People do call me. But I hadn’t really established a dependable rhythm though I’m beginning to now, where someone would notice if they didn’t hear from me every day. I have friends who check in daily with their sisters. I’ve been so independent. I’ve traveled the world alone, gone off the beaten track. I remember once trekking somewhere and seeing a sign that said, Bears around. And I thought, Oh my God, I’m here alone in this country. A bear could attack me and nobody would know. I hadn’t even told anyone where I was. I barely knew where I was myself.

Loneliness is real even when you are living fully. It is important that at a certain age, 60s you creat checks and balances so people check in on you daily, so if they don’t hear from me, they’ll

raise the alarm.  Those of us in the autumn of our lives and who are still active and vibrant  must develop systems where we can come together in meaningful ways on a regular basis. I still have a lot of adventure in me. I still want to explore. I don’t like driving, and night driving has become difficult, as it has for many of my friends.

They tell me, “Opal, have events early so we can get home before dark.” But maybe we don’t have to worry about the dark if a few of us come together, pool resources, and hire someone to drive us so we can still enjoy the nightlife we love.

Loneliness is a major problem in many societies because of fragmentation because families and communities have changed. I was surprised when I taught a class in California and young people spoke openly about being lonely. I thought, When I was 20, loneliness never even crossed my mind. I was busy, meeting people, engaged with life. But now, for people my age to meet new people, it feels almost impossible unless you go online and then you don’t know what you’re finding.

So I am appealing to people in the autumn of their life  not to allow loneliness to isolate you. Don’t allow it to stop you from enjoying the things you love. Don’t allow it to make you cranky, afraid, or small. You have lived an amazing life. You’ve done splendid, wonderful things. And until the day you die, you deserve to live fully and to have company.

One recommendation I always make is to have friends of all ages. We tend to cluster with people our own age, but we need friendships with people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s too, friendships that span generations, friendships with people who understand that you still want to do things and will include you. I’m lucky in that regard. My niece and her children include me in many of their activities.

So let us, in this middle, ripening age of maturity and wisdom, create spaces for ourselves, spaces that allow us to continue