It is not the first time that I have felt this hollow. I have asked myself, where do I belong? Do I have a tribe? I have sat chewing on my tongue, hearing a group speak of things that I do not believe, and then trying to find a space, or take the space gently, respectfully, to say what I believe.

And I think about the injustices of slavery, which my people underwent and some are still undergoing. I think about the Jews and Africans being exterminated by the Hitler regime. I think about South Africa and apartheid. I think about Gaza and Palestine, about the Congo and the deliberate starvation being perpetrated there and ai think about all the people who wanted to speak up but didn’t, because of fear, because of not wanting to be isolated, because of thinking maybe they were wrong, maybe they weren’t wrong, but why go against so many people?

Tonight, I was among good people, people I like, people who are decent, people who have been generous to me in many ways. But their interpretation of God and the Bible and Christianity is different from mine. And inasmuch as they loudly and frequently expose their notion about God, and say they like me, I know that if I were to present my view of God, they would probably be shocked. As I was shocked tonight by their homophobia, their narrow and limited interpretation of what they claim to be “God’s Words,”  So I find myself folding inside myself.

I sat there with this hollow feeling, and I thought, I have to speak up. There are too many gay friends that I have who need me to speak up, too many who believe that Jamaica has a language that is erroneously called patois that should be defended. But it brought back again this feeling of not belonging. You know where do I go? Why do I go against the grain? Why am I frequently perceived as a rebel?

Do I give up all my earthly possessions and find a forest and learn to live alone, listening to the birds and the other forest creatures, and howling, with the only thing that comes back to me being the echo of my own voice?

I want a tribe. I want community. But so often I don’t feel as if I fit into any of these places, with any of these people, where I can speak without chewing my tongue off. And it is a hollow, empty aloneness that I really don’t want, because I do want to be in community. I do want companionship. I do want meaningful engagement. But I also want to be with people that I can share my ideas with. They might not agree, but they listen and are open.

People who believe in justice, not just for themselves, but for everybody else.

I try to make the analogy: okay, you might not be gay, you might not believe in same-sex marriage, and you might not think it is right that they shut down a man’s shop because a gay couple wanted two men, and the person said they weren’t going to do it because they are against gay people. I offer this scenario as a point of comparison.  I go to a cake shop and the owner happens to be a white supremacist, I request a Black couple—a man and a woman, on my cake because we are Black, and he says, I’m not going to do it because I don’t believe in Black love. Should that shop be shut down too? And if yes, then what is the difference? Justice have had to legislated to end slavery Jim Crow, apartheid, sexism, gender-based violence, child abuse… People’s rights cannot be denied just because they are the minority.

And don’t bring God into the difference, because God created all of us, Africans, Asians, Europeans, heterosexual/GLBT, Christian, Muslins, Buddhist, etc…We are all children of God, different but equal, and if we truly believe in equity and peace, we must not condemn and judge.

Often, I feel so alone, and I’m tired of being alone. I want to be here, because I love being here. But I want a community, an open inclusive community. I don’t want to always have to chew off my tongue.

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